You know, most of the time I'm fairly content with my life. Most of the time. But there are other times when I think there has to be a mistake somewhere.
A lot of times I think I was supposed to be a man. I'm not really sentimental - I don't go for greeting cards and remember anniversaries, I don't want to cuddle after sex, I don't like a lot of small talk...the things men are stereotypically accused of. But then, I love clothes and makeup, so, I guess I am not supposed to be a man.
Today was my last day of work for this school year. A good majority of the staff went out for a couple of drinks after work. We were having such a great time, I was laughing and laughing. My cheeks hurt a couple of times. It was a really, really good time. But, it was also Braden's last day of school, hence his last day of school party. I had to leave because Keith was stuck home alone with 40 13 year olds (and not because Keith said I had to, just because it wouldn't be fair to be out enjoying myself while Keith was trying to keep an eye on all those kids by himself). As I was leaving, I had this overwhelming feeling of resentment. I don't want to be 45 years old. This must be some sort of mistake. I can't be 45 years old. I'm young. I don't want to be married with kids and a mortgage. I want to be 25 with my own cute little apartment. I don't want to chaperone parties, I want to be at a party. I was in a real funk for a couple of hours. I'm tired of being old. I want to be young and carefree. I want to stay out too late, not be in bed by ten every night. I want to not check the pantry and refrigerator before I go to the store, shit, I don't even want to have a pantry. I want to wear a skimpy shirt, not something that covers as much of me as possible.
I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow.
I hope I'm over it by tomorrow.
12 comments:
As clear a case of "The grass is greener..." as I've ever seen. There were probably 10 blogs written today by mid-20s hot females bewailing their respective fates in their cute little apartments and skimpy shirts, wishing they could have kids and a great husband and mortgage and a sense of permanence...
There was a really clever tv ad a while back by a pension company, and it was a woman around 40-45 talking in a really strong Liverpool accent. She was saying things like, I don't wanna talk about pensions! Talk to me dad if you wanna talk about money. I wanna snog boys behind the bike sheds and chase the wind. I might look 43 but I feel 19. I am exactly like that too Schell. We all get the forties blues. Hope you feel better today!
I'm like you when it comes to feeling a little masculine sometimes. I always thought it was because of my tiny boobies. My cousin was complaining about me the other day because I wasn't supportive enough during her breakup. Apparently every other woman she talked to said the right things, but my words of 'you're better off without him', and 'you were never really happy anyway' were a little too cold hearted. Oh well.
I'm feeling a little of that resentment too. I think it's because I had all these big plans for summer vacation, and they are being pushed out of the way so I can make meals, clean up after meals, drive to and from playdates, and referee arguments. If we lived closer we'd be having a mid week girls night out, and I'd even offer to drive so you could get shit faced.
-P
I Hate all the romantic crap too maybe theres are different types of wman. I don;t feel old now the person who kept telling me to act my age has fucked off I intend to be feeling a lot of other things from now on and none of them to with age :)
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence because that's where all the shit is.
Schell,
You need a vacation--by yourself--on an island. You need to Get Your Groove Back.
The bad thing about being nostalgic is that you remember all the good stuff about being 25, and none of the bad shit that comes with being 25 . . not knowing where the next rent payment is coming from . . . having sloppy roommates . . . not having any good shit . . having milk crates for furniture . . . being on the low man on the totem pole at work . . . not knowing a lot of good stuff . . . having a sucky car and having to deal with it when it breaks down . . . on and on.
There's more to life than perky tits and non flabby upper arms.
Maybe you and Renee could switch places ala Freaky Friday for a week!
"being on the low man on the totem pole at work"
NOT being ON the low man . . .BEING the low man . . .
SNORT
Schell, Trust me, you don't want to live in an apartment. - blu
i felt like that for a day or two. then i went out with a bunch of younger women and realized i would rather be at home, in my jammies, snuggled up in my comfy chair sitting next to bigjoe, watching a good movie.
listen to emma. get away for a few days alone, and you will miss your life.
i don't like to cuddle either, but i do like greeting cards, i'm not into clothing or makeup, but like tracee, i'm bad with the break up support. i'm more of an "he's an asshole and no one likes him anyway, stop crying" sort. it's a shock i have friends at all. you're allowed to wish for something else, just don't go all lifetime tv and mess up your good life trying to be 20 again.
remember what the woman in friend gree tomatoes said to the young girls before she trashed their car? "face it girls, i'm older and have more insurance" what a moment.
jilly
I've often thought the same thing -- that I have more in common with men than women but I've always attributed it to having 5 brothers growing up. But, I don't think that's it. I think it's just a difference in disposition.
I hear what you're saying about age. I was talking with a friend about this yesterday -- we're a month apart in age and we were contemplating how in the world we got to be this age. We comforted ourselves by saying that we look 10 years younger than we are.
Hope you're feeling better.
Well? Did you feel better by tomorrow?
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