I saw mommy taking valium.....

I can't believe that a week from today is Christmas. Where did the time go? Where did my holiday spirit go?
I still didn't find that $400. So, we had to take money out of the credit union to cover Christmas, and we really had to cut back. I'm not getting Keith anything (except a couple of small things from the kids) and he's not getting me anything. I'm mostly done with shopping. I have to pick up a couple of gift cards for my dad, and something for JJ's brother, Andrew, who will probably be spending Christmas day with us. Nothing is wrapped, though most of the clothes are now in gift boxes. I made my cutout cookies last night and tonight I'm doing chocolate chip. I have to do my cream cheese cookies, oatmeal cookies and those peanut butter ones with the chocolate in the center. I have a stupid paper I have to write by Wednesday for that training I went to a month ago. What else? Oh, my house looks like a train ran through it.
Braden's been having those meltdowns at least once a week. I took him to the doctor, who's experimenting with different doses of his medicine. If that doesn't work, after the first of the year, we are going to try something new. It's such a horrible feeling to feel like you can't be away from home because you're the one who handles these things the best, yet you want nothing more than to be away from him. Then, you feel guilty for wanting to be away from him. I walk around trying to figuratively clear the path for him, so nothing frustrates him too much. Then, I resent having to treat him with kid gloves. Some days I feel like I'm the best mother in the world for dealing with all this, then an hour later I feel like certainly there's something I could have done different so he wouldn't be like this, and surely I'm the worst mother in the world for wanting to get in my car and drive far, far away. If he had leukemia, epilepsy, or some other more physical malady, I wouldn't have to feel like I have to hide this from people. But, could you imagine if word of this got out? He'd probably wind up with no friends, and be the talk of the town. If stress where worth money, I'd be rich. Rich I tell ya, rich!