For almost my entire adult life I have been some body's something. Girlfriend, wife, mother. I have never been just me. When I was young(er), I loved being some body's something. I always had a serious boyfriend. Then I got engaged. Then married. Then had kids. Then divorced. Never one to learn a lesson easily, I almost immediately started dating again. And when I say dating again, I mean serious dating. Not dating around. Not sowing any oats, wild or otherwise. I was living with my brother and segued right into living with the guy I was dating. Again, I got engaged. Again I got married. Again I had a baby.
At first I was happy. Proud to be a wife and mother. Little by little things changed. I changed. But as time went on, I began to resent being some body's something. I wanted to be just me. In charge of just me.
I realized thirty years too late that I was never meant to get married. I can't stand things to be the same for too long. Always moving my furniture around. Always coloring my hair a different color. Hell, I can't even keep a car for more than two years. One time I had four different kitchen tables in a time span of two years. I don't know why this is. Why this constant quest for change. But, it's a just that. A constant quest.
I remember as a young girl, my best friend's parents were divorced. I grew up in a time when this wasn't nearly as average as it is now. I distinctly remember thinking, Mrs. So-and-so is so lucky. She gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She doesn't have to keep anyone else, but her daughter of course, in mind when she makes decisions. "What should we do for dinner tonight?" she would ask us. Ha! That would never have flown with a husband. If she wants to come home from work and slip in to her pajamas at 5:30, she can. If she wants to go out with people from work, she can. She was so much more fun than all the married moms I knew. Much more carefree. And she was a great mom to her daughter, I'm not trying to imply that she didn't take care of her as well as any of the other moms I knew, but she was so much less stressed.
I'm not trying to sound all Mad Men 60's here, like everything had to be okayed by husbands, but when you're married, you have to take your spouse into consideration when making decisions. How will this affect him? Would he rather I didn't do this? He's a meat and potatoes man, he'd never agree to scrambled eggs for dinner. Will he be worried about me if I don't come right home after work? She didn't worry about any of that. I think that's why she was so fun. I think that's why I spent every waking hour at their house.
Why didn't I remember these feelings before I walked down the aisle the first time. Or at the very least, the second time?
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Ch ch cha changes.....
Hello everyone....it's been a while, huh?
Lots going on here.
Tomorrow is a very big day here. Braden graduates from high school. I honestly doubted the day would ever come. But, it's here. Tonight we're decorating his cap. He has no immediate plans to further his education - no surprise since he's hated school since 2nd grade. He plans to move to Florida with a friend. In his mind, he's going to saunter in to Disney and say, "I'm here. Give me a great job" If that doesn't work, he has a back-up plan. He's going to do the same thing at Universal and Sea World. But, it will be good experience for him. I'm proud of him for having the confidence to give it a try. He can't wait to go...and honestly, I can't wait either.
In other news, Keith and I are splitting up. I know you're probably all shocked by this revelation. I've been telling him for a year that that's what I planned to do, once Braden finished school. He's been desperately trying for the past twelve months to get me to change my mind, but I couldn't do it. Now it's finally registered with him, and I think he's actually kind of glad to be getting rid of me too (although I can't imagine why?!). He's even found someone that wants to buy our house. That deal is about 85% a sure thing and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Unfortunately, because of the mortgage disaster of a few years ago, we won't get much money after we pay off our mortgage, but that's just the way it is.
I've been looking around at apartments and houses. Keith's been really good - going with me to look at things, pointing out problems/advantages I wouldn't have even thought to look for, like electrical service, old signs of water damage, etc. I can't afford to spend more than $100 thousand on a house, and still be able to pay the mortgage/taxes/insurance plus all the utilities. Luckily for me, interest rates are really low right now. I've, so far, narrowed my search down to three possibilities. One is a single home in a cute part of town, all bungalows. No work would need to be done. It's three bedrooms and one tiny bath. One of the bedrooms is microscopic, and would best be made into a storage room, or maybe a laundry room. It's got a beautiful fenced in yard and a nice deck. It's fairly updated inside-newer flooring, cabinets and appliances. Option number twois a single home in a neighboring town that's been made into a lower and an upper apartment. I would live in the downstairs, the upstairs is rented out. This house needs a lot of cosmetic work, but the kitchen is decent. The problem with this house is the ceilings are really, really low and the yard is basically non-existent. The upside is the rent the upstairs tenant pays covers the mortgage, so financially, I wouldn't be strapped. But, I really dont' know if once the excitment of being on my own wore off, if living in that cramped apartment would get old really quickly. Plus, I'd be responsible for not only my own place, but the tenant as well.The third option is the cheapest. It's another single house in town with a beautiful back yard, garage and a nice screened in porch. It's two bedrooms, one bath. This one needs a lot of updating. But, it has the most space. It's got original hardwood floor in all the rooms except the kitchen and bathroom. And, speaking of the kitchen - it's an original 1950's kitchen. The cabinets are painted a hideous shade of peacock blue/seafoam green. The coutnertop is peeling formica. The closets would have to be reconfigured. But it has a basement that's semi-finished, complete with a bar right out of the 70's. This house has the most space and probably the greatest resale opportunity down the road. And, I think it might give me something to do this winter...repainting those kitchen cabinets, taking down the paneling in the living room and bedrooms. I don't know....there's a lot of thinking to do. But it's all good thinking. I'm very excited about this next stage in my life.
Lots going on here.
Tomorrow is a very big day here. Braden graduates from high school. I honestly doubted the day would ever come. But, it's here. Tonight we're decorating his cap. He has no immediate plans to further his education - no surprise since he's hated school since 2nd grade. He plans to move to Florida with a friend. In his mind, he's going to saunter in to Disney and say, "I'm here. Give me a great job" If that doesn't work, he has a back-up plan. He's going to do the same thing at Universal and Sea World. But, it will be good experience for him. I'm proud of him for having the confidence to give it a try. He can't wait to go...and honestly, I can't wait either.
In other news, Keith and I are splitting up. I know you're probably all shocked by this revelation. I've been telling him for a year that that's what I planned to do, once Braden finished school. He's been desperately trying for the past twelve months to get me to change my mind, but I couldn't do it. Now it's finally registered with him, and I think he's actually kind of glad to be getting rid of me too (although I can't imagine why?!). He's even found someone that wants to buy our house. That deal is about 85% a sure thing and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Unfortunately, because of the mortgage disaster of a few years ago, we won't get much money after we pay off our mortgage, but that's just the way it is.
I've been looking around at apartments and houses. Keith's been really good - going with me to look at things, pointing out problems/advantages I wouldn't have even thought to look for, like electrical service, old signs of water damage, etc. I can't afford to spend more than $100 thousand on a house, and still be able to pay the mortgage/taxes/insurance plus all the utilities. Luckily for me, interest rates are really low right now. I've, so far, narrowed my search down to three possibilities. One is a single home in a cute part of town, all bungalows. No work would need to be done. It's three bedrooms and one tiny bath. One of the bedrooms is microscopic, and would best be made into a storage room, or maybe a laundry room. It's got a beautiful fenced in yard and a nice deck. It's fairly updated inside-newer flooring, cabinets and appliances. Option number twois a single home in a neighboring town that's been made into a lower and an upper apartment. I would live in the downstairs, the upstairs is rented out. This house needs a lot of cosmetic work, but the kitchen is decent. The problem with this house is the ceilings are really, really low and the yard is basically non-existent. The upside is the rent the upstairs tenant pays covers the mortgage, so financially, I wouldn't be strapped. But, I really dont' know if once the excitment of being on my own wore off, if living in that cramped apartment would get old really quickly. Plus, I'd be responsible for not only my own place, but the tenant as well.The third option is the cheapest. It's another single house in town with a beautiful back yard, garage and a nice screened in porch. It's two bedrooms, one bath. This one needs a lot of updating. But, it has the most space. It's got original hardwood floor in all the rooms except the kitchen and bathroom. And, speaking of the kitchen - it's an original 1950's kitchen. The cabinets are painted a hideous shade of peacock blue/seafoam green. The coutnertop is peeling formica. The closets would have to be reconfigured. But it has a basement that's semi-finished, complete with a bar right out of the 70's. This house has the most space and probably the greatest resale opportunity down the road. And, I think it might give me something to do this winter...repainting those kitchen cabinets, taking down the paneling in the living room and bedrooms. I don't know....there's a lot of thinking to do. But it's all good thinking. I'm very excited about this next stage in my life.
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