"It's raining men...." (not really, thank god)

Yesterday was my first day back to work. It sucked to have the alarm go off at 5:20, but it was good to see everyone again. The teacher I work with got married over the summer. He and his wife both work there. She just got promoted to the Asst. Principal position. It was funny, he showed me pictures from their honeymoon. Later in the afternoon, I got called down to her office and I thought to myself, "now what do they want me to do?", but she wanted to show me their wedding pictures. They were beautiful. A very simple, elegant wedding. We got a new Mental Health Worker in our classroom, and, in my opinion, we have the best team in the whole school.
When I was leaving work yesterday, I heard this strange noise on the skylights...I thought someone was up there working on the roof. Here we were having a hail storm. Golfball sized. I had to stand outside under the entrance for a while before it stopped and I could run to my car, which of course, had the windows down! I got to drive home sitting in a nice puddle of water. Thank god for leather seats!
I wish I had something exciting to regale you with, but alas, this is it. Now that the passport dilemma is over, the vacation has come and gone, the kitchen is nearly finished, and my hair is cut, I'm back to my normal, boring life.

"Summer dreams ripped at the seams"

I can't believe the summer has come and gone. Well, not technically, but for me. I go back to work in two days. Where did the time go? JJ started his two-a-day football practices this week, meaning I've had to get up at 6:am....So, that part won't be so bad, I'll kind of be used to it.

My book group meets Friday night. I look forward to it, as I enjoy spending time with these ladies. We had to read "Water for Elephants" which I really didn't want to read, but found myself loving. If you haven't read it, I recommend it.

Yesterday I had two girls from the Children's Home over to swim. I met them when I was asked to transport them to a supervised visit with their mother. One is 11 and the other just turned 13. They started calling me Aunt Michelle after the second transport. The 13 year old is very needy. All day yesterday, "Aunt Michelle this, Aunt Michelle that." Their foster mom dropped them off at about 1:00, and I practically had to kick them out at 8:00. "We don't want to go. Can't we stay longer? Can we come back tomorrow? Can we come and live with you? We love it here." I explained that there's not enough room for them to live here, but even if they did, they wouldn't love it as much. They asked me to be their foster mom, even though I know the one they have is a darn good one. I told them it would be better if I were just their foster aunt (especially since that what they call me anyway). The 11 year old goes to school with afro's daughter, so I had her over too. I haven't watched young girls interact since Renee was young. Now I'm surrounded by boys and what a difference! "Eww, Aunt Michelle, there's a bug in the pool!"

Today I have to do laundry, and clean my car, inside and out. It's a mess.

Ta Da!

Here it is. It's 95% done. The first picture is the view you get when you walk in from the garage. The second picture is the view from the back door. The third one is standing at one end, looking through to the other. I'm really happy with it. There are a few odds and ends to be done yet...the cabinet to hold the fan above the stove needs to be built, the trim has to go up around the floors, door and window. I have to get curtains and new bar stools (I want wicker and wrought iron ones, but haven't been able to find them, so I'm using my old mismatched ones). I also need some sort of tube or bracket to hold the wires at the desk area.

Can you notice what's up on the computer?

You see my $25 loveseat?

Emma, do you see my cat that looks just like Nesta?

What do you think?

"Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair, Shining, gleaming,Streaming, flaxen, waxen"

Yesterday was Braden's birthday. 14. He had a Airsoft/swimming party. About seven kids showed up. Now, I know it's supposed to be about spending time with your friends on your special day, but only one kid showed up with a card for him. He was so disappointed. He had planned what he was going to buy with the money he'd get from his guests. He handled it way better than I thought he would/could. I would never send Braden to a birthday party empty handed. JJ and his friends built a huge bunker at the edge of the woods last week, and they played "capture the flag" with airsoft guns, but they actually played "capture the sprinkler". I could hear them yelling, "we have the package, get it to the base stat!"

I have an appointment today to get my haircut and colored. I haven't had anything professionally done to it in a few years, since I've been letting it grow. It's past my shoulders now. I always want long hair...it's so versatile. I can wear it up, or down. Throw it in a ponytail when I wake up. I want to get some layers cut in it, because it's so long now that the only way I can wear it down is competely straight. I was looking online for pictures of long layered hair, and the only pictures I really liked were of short hair. Now I'm torn. Do I cut off two years worth of "growing out", to get the short cut I really like the best, or do I just stick with my original plan of layers. I know the logical answer is to get the layers this time, then if I'm still not happy, go with a shorter cut. But, I'm far too rash for logical thinking. I keep looking at the picture I printed and love it more each time. Is it wrong that I can type more about my hair, then about my son's birthday? Pros to short hair: less time in the shower, less shampoo/conditioner, less time drying/straightening/curling. Pros to long hair: versatility. I know that's only one pro, but it's a biggie to someone who likes change as much as me. Although if I could only wear it one way, it would cut down on one decision I have to make every morning before I go to work. I'm thinking about Tracee while I type this, because I imagine she would just make the decision and get the most cutting edge haircut, and color, without so much as a second thought.

******Update...the picture on the top is the picture I was originally talking about, but I've since found the picture on the bottom...I think I'll go with that one (first anyway). ********

I hope some of you read this blog before I have to go to my appointment at 2:30.

Oh, and my kitchen isn't finished yet. Don't ask.

Too lazy to look for lyrics

So far, Braden's still at scout camp. He calls a couple of times a day, but he sounds like he's having fun. He's going for his camping, environmental science and sailing merit badges. Keith's going up tomorrow night and staying over with him for the big "chili cook off". Odds are that when he comes home Friday night, Braden will be with him.
My kitchen is progressing. The electricians are finished (but left me a mess when they cut in one of the pendant lights over my sink incorrectly, now I have a nice hole I have to patch/spackle/repaint.) My new countertop is in. Trim guy came and measured yesterday. At the end of this week the rest of my cabinets should go in. I'm really happy with it! You might recall that last summer I was on a kick that I wanted to put regular furniture in my kitchen, like a loveseat, or a big comfy chair. The other day I saw a yellow leather loveseat on Craig's list for sale for $25. Keith and I went to look at it. It's not exactly pretty, but it is kind of old looking. Probably from the 70's. The color works and the size works. Keith hated it immediately and didn't want to buy it. I told him that we could happily stop at a furniture store on the way home and buy a brand new one, and suddenly this one didn't look too bad, so we bought it. It just needs a couple of throw pillows and it will look great in there.
Remember back in March when my back went out? Well, it hasn't been exactly right since then. Every morning when I wake up I have this terrible pain in my right hip that goes across my lower back. Sometimes during the day the pain shoots down my leg and makes my thigh feel numb. Yesterday I weeded all my beds (and that's a lot) and today I am in agony. I've already taken a pain pill (nothing too strong, just prescription strength motrin), and it still hurts. I don't really have anything much planned for the day, thank goodness. Just a friend coming over to swim. I think I can handle that.
My kids have decided that I need to go on The Singing Bee. When we watch, I know all the lyrics. Not that I'll be in California anytime soon, but if I were I know that I'd go on there and they'd play songs that I don't know. It's always easier from the sofa.

Here's a picture of my kitchen floor. It's African Gold Slate. I love it! Otherwise, progress is moving along..slowly but surely. I have some base cabinets, my island, A WORKING SINK!!!! and a stove. Today they're coming to install my new countertop. Then we need the wall cabinets to be hung, the desk and cabinet around the frig to be built, and a microwave "cubby" installed and the electricians to come back and finish the lighting. Then trim work is all that's needed. Hopefully all this will happen within the next week or two.

Braden left today for boy scout camp. The game plan is for him to be there until Saturday. We'll see if that actually happens. While he's gone, I plan to "dejunk" his bedroom. He's a big collector of, let's see, how should I put this, oh yeah, CRAP.

Next Sunday we're all going to a Yankee's baseball game. But, my oldest son called on Friday and said he's coming for a visit over that weekend, so I'll offer my ticket to him. I'm sure he'd much rather see the game than I would. There's a whole busfull of people going, and I was only going to socialize. (There Jilly, are you happy I mentioned him).

Other than that, I don't have much else to report. I go back to work on the 17th of August...the summer goes so quickly, and I didn't get done all that I usually do. Oh well, there's always Christmas break.

Here's what was disappointing about our vacation. The resort itself.

First of all, the part that ticked me off the most...the resort boasted free water activities. Glass bottom boat rides, snorkeling, parasailing, kayaking, wind surfing, etc. Braden really wanted to learn to snorkel, and that was part of the appeal of this resort. Well, we came to find out that while snorkeling is free, the use of the equipment and the boat ride out to the snorkeling area is not. So much for free snorkeling. They charged $20/person for a half an hour. The only water activities that were completely free was the kayaking and boggie boarding.

We wound up getting this local guy, who lived in a shack next to the resort, to take us snorkeling. It was wonderful. We walked to this little lagoon area of the beach where there were virtually no waves, and he taught Braden and JJ how to snorkel. He took his time with them, and they really enjoyed the experience. Of course we had to pay him $15 a person, but they snorkeled for close to an hour, and he actually taught them how to snorkel. Plus, if we were in need of starfish, shells, aloe, or weed, we could go to the same guy.

When we booked this trip, it was advertised as "all inclusive". There are three restaurants and a buffet. Some of the restaurants had items that you'd have to pay an upcharge for, but most of what was offered was included. Not so. The buffet was the only thing completely included. Sure, one of the other restaurants had a couple of choices that were included, but the majority were upcharged by about $15 a piece....so that would mean spending $60 for the four of us to eat at an all-inclusive resort. We did that two nights, and the food was good, but it just wasn't in the budget to do it every night.

We arrived at the resort on Saturday, and on Sunday when we went to take showers, we noticed that the showerhead sprayed all over the bathroom. We reported it to the front desk. The next day it was still the same, only this time the head flew off when we turned the shower on. Also, the toilet kept running. And running. Keith had to keep going in there, lifting the lid off the tank and fixing it. We reported that too. Finally, on Wednesday, the plumber came and fixed both problems. Wednesday! We started reporting it on Sunday.

Also, and this might seem small, but, we had a room booked for 4 people. Everyday, we had either no washcloths, or 2 washcloths. What the heck?

The main pool, the sports pool, is where we spent a lot of time. Playing volleyball, pool olympics, etc. The ladder to get out of the pool was missing a step, and the top step was loose. While it was amusing to sit there and watch unsuspecting people climb out of the pool at first, it's obviously a safety issue. The ladder was like that for our entire stay. Never fixed. One of the pool's interior lights kept coming out of it's socket and falling to the bottom of the pool. Someone would report it, one of the employees would climb in and fix it, but the next day it would pop out again.

Now, one other thing that slightly annoyed me. I was telling Allan this....no one offered to sell me any pot. Not that I smoke pot, or wanted to buy some, but am I so "mom" looking, that no one even asked? C'mon....give me a break.

So, while we enjoyed our vacation, it wasn't because we enjoyed the resort so much. I wouldn't go to that resort again, trust me.

"One love, one heart...."

What a great vacation we had!!
The weather was beautiful...I couldn't have ordered any better. The kids had a blast. The resort was along a gorgeous stretch of beach. The ocean water was so warm, it was like wading in clear, green bath water. We all had a great time. The kids met other kids from England, Canada and Jamaica and really enjoyed hanging out with them and learning new phrases. By the end of the week, Braden was speaking with a bit of an English accent.

Braden leared to swing from a trapeze, JJ went jet skiing, we all kayaked and Keith and the kids learned to snorkel. There were a couple of negative things with the resort, but I'll post them in a different post, because I want this one to be POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE!

We ate, we drank, we relaxed, we played. We went shopping in these little shacks next to the resort where people sold crafts, shells, etc. One of them was painted to look like a big bullseye, which I thought was odd, until I looked at the sign hanging above the door. It said, Target. Upon closer inspection, some of the other shops were named Walmart, Sears, Tiffany and Walgreens. I wish I would have had my camera with me for that little walk.

We also went on an evening boat ride to the Luminous Lagoon where there are microscopic organisms in the water that emit a phosphorescent light when you agitate the water. It looks like you glow in the dark. I'll post some pictures, but I'm not very good at getting them to show up where I want them.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip that we all enjoyed very much!

"Oh happy day"

I changed my blog layout, and added some pictures on the side. What do you think?

Construction is continuing. While we're away, my slate floor will be installed and I'm promised that when I come back, we'll have an island (with a working sink) and a stove, at the very least. I'm really tired of cooking on the grill. I primed and painted the entire space. A nice, soft yellow. A very different choice for me, as I usually go with bold colors. But I like it.

Now that we FINALLY have all the paperwork needed for our vacation, we're all getting thoroughly excited. Yesterday I started putting aside all the clothes we'll be taking, called the boarder for the dog, and arranged for the neighbor kid to come and feed the cats, and water my plants. I'm looking forward to relaxing, being waited on, and eating real meals! We leave Friday night and won't be back until late next Saturday. I expect you all to behave while I'm gone. Wait, who am I kidding, no I don't. Thanks to all of you for your positive thoughts while we were in limbo!

WE GOT IT!!!
We got JJ's passport. We got in line at 4:30 this morning (we slept in the car in a parking garage last night....it was extremely hot and uncomfortable-but well worth it) and by 1:pm we had the passport! Now we can get excited about vacation!
And, some of the horror stories from people in line. The guy in front of me is from Jordan, but he's a citizen. The rest of his family is still in Jordan. He and his wife are traveling over there and leaving Thursday. They're going for his brother's wedding. The entire wedding was planned around when the wife could get off work and fly over, since the family has never met her. They applied for her passport in March. Every time they try to check it online, it says, "pending". So, they drove 7 hours from Pittsburgh, stayed in a hotel, and spent hours in line this morning. When they got inside, they were told that Fed Ex had her passport and it was being delivered to her house this morning! She just started laughing like a crazy person when they told her. I can still hear that laugh.

I have finally received, and have in a very safe place, the notarized letter from DHS saying that I can apply for a passport for JJ. I called the Passport hotline on June 30th, as my buddy Justin from Arlen Specter's office told me to do, and the first available appointment was for July 10th at 10:30. We leave on the 13th! But, I took it. I called Justin back, and he said that that shouldn't be a problem because I will get the passport the same day. We were all on cloud nine. JJ was finally getting excited about the vacation (he's amazed that everything is included, and that he won't have to make his bed for a whole week!).

The plumbers came back, and the electricians did their thing. The drywall guys were here for a few days and it's ready to be primed and painted.

Yesterday, Justin called me again. He said he wanted to give me a REALITY CHECK. The past few days he hadn't been able to get through on the "congressional hotline" at the passport office, he thinks they have the phone off the hook. He heard they were turning people away, even if they had appointments. He said that just because my appointment was for 10:30, I should plan on going early. I told him that I thought I'd get there about an hour early, and he said I should go even earlier than that. He told me he'd just received a call from a guy who got in Philly about 5:am for his appointment that was supposed to be sometime in the morning. The guy said when he got there, there was already a line formed all the way down the sidewalk. He was able to get his passport, but he'd already applied, and was only going to pick it up in person.

Now I'm worried again. I planned to leave around 8:am, but now I think I'll have to leave hours earlier than that. The kids want to go down the night before, and sleep in line like we're going to a concert or waiting for a new video game. I don't even know if you're allowed to do that. Plus, it's in downtown Philadelphia...is it safe to do that? They think it's an adventure. I think it's going to be dangerous. Plus, as fun as they think it might be, at three in the morning, when they can't sleep and they're tired and hungry, they're not going to think it's fun anymore, and I especially know how Braden gets. I wish I was familiar with the area. JJ said it's not a bad area, so we'd be safe. Don't get me wrong, I'd do anything to get him his passport, I'd camp out all night...but I don't know if having the kids do that is such a smart idea. Although, if we did it, and got his passport, wouldn't that be a great story for them to tell?!

Today I have to wipe down all the newly spackled drywall, then paint primer on it, and the old kitchen walls. But first I have to move all of my old kitchen stuff that I have in boxes and piles out of the attached dining area and into the living room because the dining area has to be painted too. Tomorrow I'm painting the actual color on the walls (whisper yellow). But, as things naturally go for me, I've run into a problem. I planned on painting the ceiling the same as the walls, since the color is so light, that way I won't have to cut in....I HATE CUTTING IN! But, the way my house is designed, it's one celing through the whole downstairs. Where do I stop the yellow? Would it look strange to have a straight line down the entrance, where the eye thinks the dining area ends and the living room begins? Even if I do paint it white, the white paint that's on the ceiling now is five years old, and I don't even know what it was called. New white paint is never going to match. I still don't know what I'm going to do. And, I'm painting it tomorrow!

Why is everything so complicated? Family vacation....not so fast Miss Smarty Pants! Paint the kitchen, will you? We'll see how that goes! It's truly a miracle that I don't drink.

Per Emma's request

<---Here's a picture of the mural I did a few years ago....some of you may have already seen it.

The other one is a painting (not a mural) I'm working on now. It's nearly done. I have to do a little more work on the shadow, and maybe add some detail of some kind on the orange-ish building.

I thought I'd update you a little on the kitchen redo. First of all, this is what the kitchen looked like before we began....





The second picture is what it looked like midway through the demolition.


Now, keep in mind, we're not doing anything to the section where the table and chairs are in the first picture. They're removing the wall in the second picture, to open it up to the new part. Since then, it's been plumbed, wired and insulated. Drywall is going to start going up tomorrow. Next week, it's getting primed and painted, then, while we're on vacation, the cabinets are going to start going back in. After that, the floor goes in, then it should be done. I thought it would be done in June, now it looks like August till it's completely finished.

"Happy birthday to you..."

Today is Keith's birthday. Despite the fact that I have no kitchen, I'm having family over tonight for a little something to eat and some cake. Normally I would cook all day, making a meal and appetizers, but since I can't, I'm ordering in. Chinese food and ice cream cake. I only have to worry about my dad and afro, since neither of them likes Chinese food. I'll throw a couple of burgers on the grill for them.

There are actually workers here today, working on the kitchen. Electricians and cabinet guys. The cabinet guys pulled out my island, and took the dishwasher out....you should have seen the crap on the floor under there. I was mortified. They said, "Don't worry, they all look like that." Tomorrow the plumbers come back, then Keith can insulate. Next week the dry wall guy is coming. After that, it should go quickly. The stone mason came yesterday and he should be calling early this week with a price on a slate floor. I hope it's in the budget, because I have my heart set on slate now.

We went to this discount home supply place on Saturday and found a Jacuzzi brand toilet and pedestal sink for the basement bathroom. $250 for the set. That's quite a deal!! That's me, I'm all about saving the money ~~0~~0~~!

I got the kids' report cards last week. JJ had mostly B's, an A or two and one C. Braden had all B's, and two A's. Pretty good, especially since Braden's 3rd marking period report card was all C's and D's. I never thought I'd have a kid who got D's on his report card. I was always A's and B's. I'm proud of both of them!

On Saturday I have to call the passport agency to make an appointment to get JJ's passport. Rono was in the shelf the other night, and he said he applied for an expedited one, and got it within two weeks, so I have some hope.

That's it for now from boring housewife land.

"Bad luck, it's what you got, it's what you got..."

I am so terribly stressed. It's absolutely ridiculous.

My kitchen has sat for a week without one thing being done to it. The plumbers came two weeks ago and did what they had to do.....completely wrong! So, we can't do anything else until they come back and fix what they screwed up. And, because they won't be getting paid to repair their own error, I know we're at the bottom of their to-do list. I've decided to go with a real slate flooring instead of something that just looks like slate. The price is almost the same, so why go imitation?

Now, as for our vacation. What a total fucking mess. I thought that since I didn't get JJ's birth certificate until four weeks before we left, the only way to get it in time was to go in person and apply and pay for an expedited passport. I called the passport office (After trying five separate times, and waiting on hold for over an hour I got to actually speak with a live person) and they said that I can't apply for his passport, his legal guardian has to. That would be DHS. I'm still trying to get ahold of them. Also, the passport guy told me that even going in person isn't going to guarantee a passport, or even that it will be processed enough to print out the statement on line that is supposedly all you need until September. He recommended a Passport Expediting Company. There aren't any listed in the phone book, and there are a lot on line, but how do I know if it's legit? They all seem legit (said the senior citizen as she was emptying her bank account). I'm worried that I'll send his birth certificate, and all the other documentation in and they'll cash my check and laugh. Then I'm really screwed, because I don't have another birth certificate. I called my local congressman, who referred me to my state senator, to see if they could tell me of a legitmate expediter, I'm waiting for his call back. We're leaving in three weeks. This is never going to come all together. Why didn't the Children's Home, back in December when we started talking about this trip, tell us that we could run into these problems? We never would have booked it. We would have kept it to somewhere in the United States.

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

"If I could turn back time..."

You know, most of the time I'm fairly content with my life. Most of the time. But there are other times when I think there has to be a mistake somewhere.

A lot of times I think I was supposed to be a man. I'm not really sentimental - I don't go for greeting cards and remember anniversaries, I don't want to cuddle after sex, I don't like a lot of small talk...the things men are stereotypically accused of. But then, I love clothes and makeup, so, I guess I am not supposed to be a man.

Today was my last day of work for this school year. A good majority of the staff went out for a couple of drinks after work. We were having such a great time, I was laughing and laughing. My cheeks hurt a couple of times. It was a really, really good time. But, it was also Braden's last day of school, hence his last day of school party. I had to leave because Keith was stuck home alone with 40 13 year olds (and not because Keith said I had to, just because it wouldn't be fair to be out enjoying myself while Keith was trying to keep an eye on all those kids by himself). As I was leaving, I had this overwhelming feeling of resentment. I don't want to be 45 years old. This must be some sort of mistake. I can't be 45 years old. I'm young. I don't want to be married with kids and a mortgage. I want to be 25 with my own cute little apartment. I don't want to chaperone parties, I want to be at a party. I was in a real funk for a couple of hours. I'm tired of being old. I want to be young and carefree. I want to stay out too late, not be in bed by ten every night. I want to not check the pantry and refrigerator before I go to the store, shit, I don't even want to have a pantry. I want to wear a skimpy shirt, not something that covers as much of me as possible.

I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow.
I hope I'm over it by tomorrow.

Time flies when you're having fun. Or chaos.

Wow! It has been a while since I updated. Things are really crazy around here. My old kitchen is completely ripped out, and the addition is on. Well, there are walls, a roof and a sub-floor. The electrician and plumber have to come. Then Keith's putting in the insulation. Then the dry-wall guy. Then I have to paint. I'm thinking some type of golden color. Then the cabinets have to go in. (Actually, the cabinets have to be built, but hopefully that will happen while the wiring/plumbing is being done) I'm reusing the cabinets I already have, which are cherry with this greyish pickled oak insets. I think the new cabinets that will go in the island, and the desk I'm having built will be out of the pickled oak. Then we have to get the floors installed. So, I should have a kitchen in about a month. I hope it's not longer than that.

I've run into an aesthetic problem. They had to put a support beam in since the wall we took down was a load bearing wall. The problem is that the beam runs diagonally through the island where the sink is. It screws up what I wanted to do with the lighting, and the general look I was going for. I'm assured that once it's drywalled, and painted to match the ceiling it won't be that noticeable, but I have my doubts. Also, I can't decide on a floor. I want something that looks like a tuscan slate...with the greens, oranges and greys. We can't afford genuine slate, and I can't decide if I want a laminate or a tile product. I'm going to have to decide quickly.

School's winding down for everyone. JJ's last day is Monday, Braden and I on Wednesday. Braden is planning on having his annual last day of school swim party. That should go swimmingly (pardon the pun) since I don't have a kitchen.

I DID just finish reading "The Other Boleyn Girl". I really liked it and now I feel like I need more information on Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII.

We finally got JJ's birth certificate and permission for him to go with us. What a hassle all that was. Now I have to get him a passport. I know I'm going to have to go to Philly and apply for an expedited one in person, but I can't seem to find out if I am allowed to do this. I mean, will the agency let me apply for it, or do I have to have someone from the Children's Home or DHS apply for it? I wish I would have realized all this before we booked the trip. We have a month to get everything in order, and sometimes I doubt it will happen. Keep your fingers crossed. Well, keep them crossed twice. Once for this, and once for a speedy kitchen remodel.

A redunless post

I have book group tonight. We had to read The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult. It was okay. Nothing I'd recommend. The woman who is hosting tonight lives in what has to be a million dollar home. It's beautiful. I love just sitting in her family room and looking around. Plus, she serves the best food!
Today at school my students got to throw pies at our principal. They were so excited. I only had seven kids show up today, and there were 20 pies, so they each got to throw a couple. What a blast. The kids were laughing, and the principal was covered in chocolate pudding.
I'm instituting an Honor Roll for our kids next year. We have to do some things for these kids to help their self-esteem. So what if they're only reading at a third grade level, they still should get some recognition for doing their work well.
I enjoyed my day off on Tuesday. When I went to work on Wednesday, the kids asked me what I did. I told them I did some things around the house, then I sat on the patio and read. One boy (the one who wanted to marry me) said, "Miss, you really have the life." "What do you mean," I asked. "Well, you have a patio, and books, and that field where your kids can ride the four-wheeler. That's really lucky." Simple comments like that can really make you think. Another one of my students pulled a nutty while I was off, and had to be restrained. He told me it was because I wasn't there to calm him down.
We went to the foster care picnic the other day, and Keith and I got called up and were given a certificate for going "above and beyond" and for being so involved with the kids there, and especially with JJ. It was nice to get the recognition. When we got home, JJ said that before they called us up, when they were just describing what the award was for, he said to himself, "this better be for Miss and Keith or I'm going to be pissed."
I have Braden's IEP meeting next Tuesday. That should be a real treat. He didn't have such a great year this year, so I'll get to sit there for an hour and hear about him not working up to his potential. Ya think??? I'm soooo looking forward to it.
Some of my students have started making up words, and they're dying for it to catch on. One of the kids says Redunless all the time. It means stupid. So I try to use it often. I started saying Ridiculi, but I use it like ridiculous. He gets pissed because some of the other teachers started saying ridiculi too. I told him that the other day my husband came home from work and was complaining about gas prices and he said that one of his work buddies said it was ridiculi. The kid's mouth dropped open, and he thought for a minute, then he said,"Does his friend use the work redunless too?"

There are no lyrics this boring

I almost feel badly posting this, because I don't really have anything exciting to say. But I'll fill you in on the dribble that is my day to day life for the past week.
It looks like JJ will be able to go to Jamaica. The Home convinced his DHS caseworkers that there is no flight risk, and we just have to get a letter signed my his mom saying it's okay to take him. They could have done it over the phone, except she never answers the phone when anyone calls her (JJ says she's probably out of minutes). Can you imagine not being able to talk to your kids because you're out of minutes?
They started on the kitchen addition...the subfloor is in, and the walls will be going up next. I'm having a hard time deciding what kind of lights I want over the island. It will be a lot bigger than the island I have now, which has two pendant lights hanging over it. I like the lights, but I would need more for a bigger island, and I'm afraid if I just add two more, it will look like it's raining over the island. So, I think I have to pick something else out.
I'm counting down the days until school's over. I believe there are 12 more full days, and 6 half days. Not that I don't love my job, but I enjoy the summer to get caught up around the house, sleep in and not have to deal with my grumpy kids in the morning.
I took a personal day today. I have book group Friday night, and I haven't even started the book, so I plan on doing a couple of things around the house, then spending the afternoon in the sun, reading. Yes, I'll wear sunscreen, Emma. Later we have a picnic to go to at the Children's Home for all the foster families.

The other day Keith asked me to bring home a vanilla folder from work.
To quote Roger, "Sadly, I'm not making this up."

"Would you dance with me today, I'll show you how to have a good time...."

I haven't got much to report this week.

The builder was here, to begin the outside work for our kitchen remodel, but he found some bad news when he started ripping the siding off the back of the house...there are all sorts of pipes/return lines running through that wall. I may have to reconfigure my layout, because it seems like I'm going to have to have two 32" deep walls running up each side of the kitchen between the addition and the existing kitchen. It kind of defeats the purpose of having one big kitchen, but I'll have to see what I can come up with.

Someone asked me to marry them at school this week. A wonderful hispanic eighteen year old with long, long hair, braces and an ankle monitoring device. After thoroughly considering his offer, I had to decline. He took it well. One of my co-workers is getting a divorce and it's all I hear about. She's in her early thirties, and suddenly is behaving like a 21 year old...drinking every night, coming to work hungover and making googly eyes at all the male staff. She's really making a fool of herself, and I feel kind of bad.

I had to send a written itinerary of our vacation plans to JJ's DHS caseworker, who said she'd try to get our trip approved. Our fingers are crossed.

Last weekend, I got my front flower beds all cleaned out/deweeded/raked...now I have to do the back, and the end of the driveway. That's on my list for tomorrow. My neighbor called me this morning because she found her husband's to-do list sitting in her kitchen. Along with the usual stuff...mowing the lawn, changing the oil, etc, was written blow job. While she found it amusing, she went ahead and crossed it off so as not to get his hopes up.

you're screwed.

Mum's blog reminded me of this.
My kids have a really hard time...no that's too mild, they never refill the toilet paper roll. They have their own bathroom upstairs, so it's not that big of a deal, but downstairs in the powder room it really drives me nuts. But, the other day, I walked past their bathroom, and something caught my eye. I walked over to their empty tp cardboard roll there, and on it was written "you're screwed"...actually it said "your screwed" so I know Braden did it.
He can't take the time to put on another roll of tp, but he can come downstairs, get a marker and write his little message on there.

"You get up every morning From your alarm clock's warning"

It was kind of a humdrum week...which is a good thing, in my book. We all went back to school on Tuesday - believe it or not I was glad to go back. I was kind of tired of making pancakes/eggs/french toast every morning. JJ started at Nazareth full time. He really likes it. It's the first time he's been in a regular school in years. The high school cafeteria/school lunch really impressed him. "Miss, I can get pepperoni pizza every day!"
Braden and Keith are going on a scout camping trip next weekend. They're going to Orange County Choppers in New York. They're both looking forward to it (but I doubt as much as I am).
I went shopping Friday night to spend some of my birthday money. I went to TJ Maxx because I wanted to get shoes and a pocketbook. Usually, if I'm there for some other reason without extra money, I can find a few pair of shoes and handbags I love. I didn't find anything on Friday. I was pissed. I need a pair of springish shoes for work, but they can't have an open toe. I ws thinking of going back out today, but the weather here is horrible! Pouring, heavy wind....I think I'd be better off staying in and catching up on laundry.
Our kitchen remodel is supposed to start the first week of May. I might start packing up some of my kitchen stuff today too. Mostly the decorative things that I have on top of the cabinets and some of my serving pieces I rarely use. Plus, I might read some of the new book I bought..."Driving with Dead People".
Braden hasn't had a meltdown in weeks, and it's been very nice. We're all so much more relaxed.
Oh yeah, JJ was finally able to get a hold of his mom, so now we have all the information we need to apply for a birth certificate so we can get him a passport, in case we're able to go to Jamaica, we'll be all set.
That's about all I've got. Schell out.

"Baby what a big surprise"

I surely enjoyed my week off. I rented a couple of movies...I watched "Little Miss Sunshine" and "Running with Scissors"...loved them both. I also read The "Time Traveler's Wife" for my book group this month.

I started "housecleaning" the downstairs. Monday and Tuesday I took everything off the walls in the dining room, hallway and bathroom. Cleaned all the moldings, baseboards, light fixtures, etc. That took me two days. Then on Wednesday, I had to do transportation for the Children's Home...drive a 14 year old girl to Philadelphia for a supervised sibling visit. That wasn't too bad, except on the way there I got into a little fender bender. Hopefully the adjuster will be coming out today to give an estimate. Thursday, I was going to start cleaning again, but I started thinking that if we're ripping down a wall and remodeling the kitchen, everything's just going to get dusty again, so I may as well wait. That sounded good to me, so I stopped.

The rest of the week was pretty much uneventful. JJ decided he wanted to go visit his aunt, so we took him to the bus on Thursday. On Saturday we went to go pick him up from the bus station around 7:pm. After we got him, we arrived home and I walked through the back door and my house was full of my friends and family. "Surprise!" they all yelled. Braden and JJ had planned a surprise birthday party for me, and I was totally clueless. Earlier in the day, while I was preparing my desserts for Easter Sunday, Braden asked me, "Mom, would you make up some of that iced tea/lemonade punch for tomorrow? Everybody loves it." Of course I did. During the party he said, "I hope you know I lied to you. The punch was for tonight" I told him I didn't care. Braden and JJ did most of the work themselves. They took my address book upstairs one night and called all my friends, they told Keith what kind of food they wanted to have. When Keith and I ran to get JJ, Braden and my oldest son (who I thought had just come early for Easter) vacuumed the downstairs and did a quick cleanup. (I still can't find where they stashed half the things that were laying around) It was a very nice night. Except for all the "you're really old now" ribbing I took.

Yesterday my family came for Easter dinner. The day was fairly uneventful. Except the tea lady loaded her plate up so high, then was holding it crooked and half the stuff ran off onto the dining room floor. Keith yelled, "Jesus Christ, Jane" when he got up to fix it, which made her feel bad, but other than that, everything was nice. Except the weather. It was colder here yesterday than it was on Christmas day. That's a bunch of crap.

I got nothing, but I'm sure something will come to mind in about five minutes.

Today was my last day of work for ten days. This is the longest Easter break we've ever had. I plan to do some spring cleaning...walls and woodwork, maybe some painting, and sleep. That's all. Not much to ask. Sadly, Braden and JJ have the same long break, so I won't have any time to myself.

We had a meeting at the Children's Home last night, just our monthly sponsor/foster parent meeting, and the vice president asked Keith and I to stay behind after the meeting. During the meeting they mentioned that they have a 14 year old boy who never gets to leave the home, he has no family except a step-dad that calls him once in a while, and they're looking for a sponsor for him. Of course, my immediate reaction is, he can come and visit us, but I was a good girl and kept my mouth shut. But, what I didn't even consider is that my husband would say, "We'll do it." I've never even met this kid, but I'm told he's a real sweetie. Anyway, after the meeting, the vp said to us, off the record, "this whole thing with JJ and your vacation is bullshit. I'm going to do whatever I can to see that he can go with you. If it means I have to have our director call the DHS director, or the governor, we'll do it. Don't give up just yet." SO, that was encouraging.

Tonight we're going out to dinner, then to the home show with some friends. It should be a nice evening. Then after that, I'm doing nothing. NOTHING. Until next weekend when I have to have Easter dinner for about 20. But in between, N O T H I N G.

Time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin

Sorry I haven't posted in a while...I'll bet you're all devastated.

A week ago Friday, I was making dinner, and I got up from the kitchen stool and something felt a little tingly in my back. No big deal, I thought. I'll put the heating pad on after dinner. Well, by the time we were done eating, I was in terrible pain. I wasn't able to get off the sofa until Monday, when the doctor called in script for pain pills and a muscle relaxer. Tuesday I went back to work, and it's much better now, but certain ways I move it still kills me. Sitting up is the hardest thing. I get this burning feeling in my hips, and down my thighs...and not in a good way. So, sitting at the computer hasn't exactly been tops on my list.

I took Braden for his EEG. I was so worried about having to get him up that early, and keeping him up. JJ offered to get up with him too, and thank goodness I agreed. They were playing video games at 4:30 in the morning. Around 6 we went out for breakfast, then walked around Walmart...even though my back was still killing me - but, it was better than the alternative. We went for the test, and I'm still waiting for the results.

We booked the trip for Jamaica. Two days later, the Children's Home calls to say that JJ is not allowed to leave the country. We've been telling them for months that we needed his birth certificate to get a passport. They don't have it, and even gave us the paperwork to apply for another one. It seems that the Home doesn't have a problem with him going, but DHS says that foster kids can't go outside the US, for fear that they'll be kidnapped by their foster parents. The Children's Home is trying to fight this for us, but I don't know what will happen. It's really a shame. Of course, we could go somewhere else, inside the US, but now we'll lose over $2300 if we cancel that trip. Talk about a quagmire. And, JJ's reaction: "Miss, you can't lose all that money because of me. Just go without me." We told him that the whole idea of this is a family vacation, and if he wasn't there, it wouldn't be our whole family.

Braden's been mostly under control. A few small outbursts here and there, but way better than he was. Soon we'll be starting that in-home-family therapy, so hopefully then things will be even better.

That's about all I have for now. I can't believe it's been this long since I posted. Time flies when you're flat on your back. Shut up Emma.

"All by myself..."

JJ went to his aunt's for the weekend, and Braden is on a camping trip to West Point with the Scouts until tomorrow, so I have the afternoon to myself. I'm forcing myself not to do any cleaning, to just kind of relax. Later, Keith and I have a wedding to go to, so that should be fun. You know what he'll want later, though, don't you?

I feel badly for JJ. He wanted to go to his aunt's this weekend, because it's his mom's birthday, and they were having a party for her. He was going to get to see her, and some of his siblings that he hasn't seen for over a year. She called him on Thursday to say that he didn't have to go because she was going out of town for the weekend, and wouldn't be there anyway. He told me that it only made him a little mad, but I know better. Apparently this is par for the course with her.

We've gone a whole week without a major meltdown here. Everyone's on edge, because we're expecting it, and have a feeling that it's going to be a duzy. However, it's nice to be able to relax just a bit. Braden's still no ray of sunshine, but at least his little episodes are only lasting about 5 minutes and there's no hitting/punching/kicking.

I have to take him for an EEG on the 22nd. Here are the pre-EEG steps: Keep Braden up until midnight the night before. Wake him up at 4:am and keep him awake until the 12:30 test. WHAT THE??? Oh, but I can give him his meds. I asked the receptionist if she had any meds for me, but she just laughed as if I were joking. That's going to be a really fun day.

"put the lime in the coconut, drink it all up"

What a couple of weeks!

Three weeks ago, I took Braden for his blood work, and his medicine level was non-therapuetic, so the doctor upped it one level...still a very low dose for this particular medicine and Braden's symptoms. After a few days, I noticed Braden talking a little strangely. Not exactly slurring, but speaking slowly and repeating himself. Braden's always been a bit strange, and as sad as it sounds, I just chalked it up to "braden-ness". The next day one of his teachers called me, and said that she noticed that for a few days he seems to be really out of it. Just sitting at his desk, not doing any work. Kind of staring into space. She talked to his other teachers, and they confirmed it. He flunked a social studies test by only getting 10 out of 50 correct...and it was all multiple choice!
He seemed a little slurry after school, so I called his doctor who said to not give him his meds that night, or the next morning and then call his office. The next morning I got him up for school and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary...he's always miserable in the morning, and hardly says a word other than to bitch about having to go to stupid gay school. I got a call at work at lunchtime..it seems that Braden was wandering around the cafeteria with his tray and didn't have any idea where his seat was. They called the nurse, who called me. I went to pick him up. He was really out of it, and very embarrassed.
I called the doctor again who wanted him to go without any meds for the rest of the day, and the next day and to bring him in.
I took Friday off, because no one wants to be around an unmedicated Braden, so I couldn't send him to school. We took him to the doctor in the afternoon. He switched his meds again. Of course it would be days before we know if it's working. He had to go have an EKG for this new medicine, which Braden thought was pretty cool. The doctor also wants him to go for an EEG. He said that lithium sensitivity to the extreme that Braden had it, is not very common, except in seizure patients. He said that there's a slight chance that while Braden doesn't seizure, something in his brain could be just on the edge of seizure, causing his brain to be "on edge" all the time. Then when something a little frustrating happens, he competely over-reacts because his brain was half-way there to begin with. We'll see if that's the case.
Since Sunday, he hasn't been too bad. He's exploded a couple of times, but the result has been a little swearing, maybe a throwing of a shirt or something like that, but within five minutes he's back to himself...for what that's worth. If it keeps going like this, I'm going to start working on some of the things that we've let slip lately (to keep a little bit of peace in the house). He's a little upset, because kids keep asking him if he's on drugs now, because that's the rumor going around school.

Last night, he came in my bedroom at 10:30 to tell me that he picked out his clothes for school, and loaded his bookbag and had his ipod sitting with his hoodie so his morning would go easier. Then he actually kissed me (on the cheek) goodnight.

We had so much running around this weekend....birthday parties, basketball games, a basketball banquet...that I didn't get anything done. My house is a mess. There's a pile of mail/papers stacked on the island that's a foot tall. The floors need to be vacuumed, laundry is half-done...and there's more piling up upstairs. I hate it like this, but I just haven't had time.

On other fronts, as silly as this sounds compared to all this drama, the basement remodel has begun. It's studded out, and the plumbing/heating/electrical is done. As soon as it's wired for surround sound, the insulation will go up, then it will be dry walled. I can't believe how expensive flooring is. We've been pricing carpet for down there, and tile/laminate/who-the-hell-knows for the kitchen, and I'm aghast at the prices.

Also, the people we were going to go on vacation with to Virginia with this summer had to cancel because their son is going to football camp, so we're looking into doing something else. So far our options are: going to the Jersey Shore with other friends, going to Florida to go to Universal Studios, and going to an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica. The shore would be fun, but after paying for a yucky room for a week, then all the spending money to eat all week, do the boardwalk, etc, it would wind up costing about $3000 to be two hours away from home. And the Jersey shore isn't even that nice of a beach...I hate the ocean there. We could do a week in Florida, hit the parks and stay at a decent hotel for $4000 (including food and spending money). The resort in Jamaica is all-inclusive and loaded with teen activities...snorkeling, jet skiing, arcade, teen disco, pool tables in the pool, etc and would cost a total of $5000. It would be tight to do that trip, but the upside is, it would cost virtually nothing once we got there, and the kids would have a blast. Not that I'd mind sitting on the white sand beaches with my feet dangling in the clear water, reading a book and sipping cocktails!

Oh, and I had an eye doctor appointment yesterday and got to pick out new glasses. I love getting new glasses.

"The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place, hey jealousy"

Keith just left. He took Braden and a couple of friends to a Lacrosse game in Philadelphia. They'll be gone from now until about midnight. I have big plans. I'm going to mop the kitchen floor, make supper for me and JJ, then sit on my ass on the sofa. Woo hoo! I know how to live.

I'm starting to hate other families. Other mothers with kids, especially. At the grocery store I see them all smiley and happy. "Honey, what kind of fruit snacks should we get?" Shut the fuck up, I want to yell. But I just smile their way. The other day, I was at the bookstore and this man told his little girl, I'd guess about three or four, that she could pick out a book. She was looking around, all cute with her hair combed and matching barrettes, but couldn't decide between two books. "Can I get both, daddy?" "I don't know, sweetie. We'll see. Now daddy wants to go pick out his book." "I know," she said, "how bout if I don't get on your nerves while you're looking, I can get both." "Deal," he answered. I wanted to smack them both. Actually, I wanted to smack them both, then kick the little girl. How dare they have a normal happy life? I hate my brother for having a perfect daughter. I hate Tracee for playing in the snow with her kids. Hate hate hate.

This is what my life has come to, mopping and hating.

"Doctor doctor, give me the news...."

Sunday night, we had another knock-out, drag down battle. We wound up taking Braden to the emergency room. The emergency room recommended by his doctor.
We got there around 8:00, and sat in the waiting room for 3 1/2 hours. A waiting room full of puking, coughing, injured people. By this time, of course, Braden was completely calm. He was completely calm when we left for the hospital. Finally, we were called back to triage (?).
We explained the situation, and that we were hoping there was some sort of crisis counselor there we could speak with. They took us back to the emergency psyche ward, where we waited another half an hour. Then they came and took Braden, and said he would have to change into a hospital gown. You should have seen the look on his face, it was heartbreaking.
A short time later (I say a short time, because it wasn't long, but it felt like an eternity), they came and got us. We had to lock our belongings in a locker before we were allowed to go back. They took us to a room that was completely empty except for a bed. A bed with just a white sheet on it. On the bed, sitting cross-legged, crying and rocking was Braden in a huge hospital gown, pajammas that had to be rolled ten times at the waist and these fuzzy brown socks. I don't know why I focused on the socks, but the image of them keeps coming back to me. I never saw a sight so sad in my life. He was petrified. We were petrified. We waited there about another half an hour. They wanted to take blood, which completely freaks Braden out. He said he didn't want them to. They said they'd wait for the doctor, because they weren't positive it would be needed.
Then they left.
A little while later, we were sitting there talking, and Keith suggested that Braden just let them go ahead and take the blood now, so if the doctor came in, it wouldn't take as long. Braden banged his hands on the mattress and said he didn't want a needle if he didn't have to have one. It wasn't loud, it wasn't violent, it was on a mattress. A nurse came charging in, "Brandon, what seems to be the problem here?" I said, "His name is Braden." She said, "Oh, Brandon, what are you doing. If you can't control yourself, your parents are going to have to leave, and you don't want that." Braden didn't say anything. "Did you hear me, Brandon? One more outburst, and they're leaving and you'll wait here by yourself. Am I understood, Brandon?" At this point, Braden and I both looked at her and yelled, "The name is Braden!" She said, "Braden, whatever" then turned around and walked away.
We sat there, and my immediate reaction was that there was no way I'd leave him there.
About twenty minutes later, a doctor came in. A resident, actually. She asked Braden what happened, and if it happened often. He told her. She asked us if we were afraid he'd harm himself, we said no. She asked us if we were afraid for ourselves. I said, "you mean besides being punched, hit and kicked during these episodes? Are we afraid to go to sleep because he might stab us during the night?" "That's what I mean," she said. "No," we both answered. "Then I see no reason to keep him. He can go home. Call his doctor tomorrow."
Then she left. A couple of minutes later, the attending doctor came in, asked the exact same questions, and seconded her opinion. We were given our stuff back, Braden changed his clothes and we were on our way.
We got home at 2:30 in the morning. We wasted all that time. We didn't get one ounce of help. I felt worse going home than when we were driving there.
I still keep picturing him sitting there in that bed, with those tan socks on.
We've had three bad days since then, but so far today's going well.
I think I've figured out why we get several good days in a row, then all hell breaks loose again. And, it's not God playing some mean sort of trick on us, as I usually think. It must be the cycle of his bipolar. He used to cycle very quickly. Ups and downs throughout the day. Now, he must be cycling in days. Three or four good ones, and then a couple bad. Then some good, and so on and so on.
I'm supposed to take him for blood work tomorrow morning, so wish me luck. That's never an easy thing to do. He's been getting blood tests since he was about four, and it gets harder each time. I'll probably wind up bribing him.
Maybe I'll tell him I'll get him some tan socks.

Thursday morning I got a call at work from Braden's guidance councelor (that's probably spelled wrong, I always get that word mixed up). My immediate thought was, "Fuck, Braden flipped out at school." I was wrong. Braden went to her first thing in the morning and told her everything that's been going on. He told her everything...didn't sugar coat it at all. He told her that he can "feel" these episodes coming on, yet he couldn't do anything about them. He said that sometimes something triggers them, but other times they just happen out of the blue. They talked about the different stages of anger, and he said he recognizes all of them, but they just happen too quick to do anything about them. He told her the whole time he's building up, he's telling himself to cool off, to calm down, but his body won't listen to him. She offered him a few suggestions, like running around outside without a coat on for ten minutes or so, or talking to us about getting a heavy bag that he can punch and kick. She gave him carte blanche to come and see her anytime to talk. She told me that Braden seems to be one of the nicest kids at school. The students have to take a guidance class in 7th grade, and he was one of her favorites. He never laughed at anyone else for saying anything, and he always raised his hand with questions and comments that were relative to what they talked about. She called me to confirm what he'd said, and to see if Keith and I were okay. She was very nice to talk to, and said she'd look into this and see if she could offer any other "release" suggestions for Braden. Also, she said what I've been thinking for years...how frustrating it is for Braden to be in his learning support classes...he's so close to not needing them, and he knows that. Some kids, that are way, way behind, don't even seem to notice that they're in a "sped class" as he puts it. But, it bothers him a lot, and I think that's part of the reason for these blow ups at home.
This was a very big move for Braden, who usually refuses to speak about what happens because he gets very emotional and feels terrible about it. Let alone to talk to someone who doesn't already know about it. I was proud of him.
I know it won't last, but the past couple of days he's been talking through his feelings more. He's telling me that he's beginning to get "tingly", so then we switch activities...he'll help me cook, or we'll run around the house a bit. Also, he hates to read, always has, but loves a good story. His reading teacher went to a library in her town and got him a book that he's been wanting to read, but will never get because it's "too long", on CD. It's a kit with the book and the cd's. He'll sit at the computer, with the CD on, and the book in front of him for a good hour, and it's very calming for him.
I've applied for an access card (kind of like dissability insurance) for Braden, so we can get what they call Family Based Services, where a therapist comes to the house to work with the kid and the rest of the family on dealing with this. They're also on call, so they can come during a meltdown, if need be. Hopefully the process for this won't be too drawn out.
Someone asked before what JJ does when these episodes occur. A lot of the time he's not home, he's at basketball practice or something. But when he is, he just goes up to his bedroom and closes the door. I'm sure they make him very uncomfortable. We've talked about it with him, and he says, "Miss, where I come from, I've seen much worse. Don't worry about me, just try to help Braden." He's been doing very well. In fact, he's going to the regular high school for half-days, and will be going full time in about a month. His teacher where I work has nothing but great things to say about him. Every week I notice more and more change in him. He talks to us about things, he becomes more a part of this wild, intense, crazy family. We're very proud of him.
Right this second, I'm feeling proud of both of them.
But, being teenagers, that might change next week. Or five minutes from now.

We almost took Braden to the hospital last night, to have him involuntarily admitted. The last three incidents that happened were totally unprovoked. Nothing happened to set him off. He just started throwing things, then throwing things at us, then hitting, then...well, you know.
Last night he was screaming and crying and sweating like some kind of wild animal. I called a childline help number (on a card that Braden had brought home from school). They told me to call his doctor, who would call me back if he were on call, and call ahead to the hospital. I did all this. I put on my coat, Keith put on his, I put a blanket and Braden's shoes in the car. We carried Braden out to the car, but he kept kicking at the window and the seats...there was no way we would have made it to the hospital.
Our only option would have been to call an ambulance. If an ambulance would have come, they would have had to put him in a straight jacket. I couldn't bear it. I was crying, Braden was crying. "Please mommy, no hospital. Please mommy. I'll try harder. I promise." No matter how much I insisted it wasn't a punishment, that's what it felt like.
I admire people who could have made that call. I'm not one of them. The thought of him crying/screaming in a cold hospital, probably having to be strapped to a bed is more than I can take right this minute. If he gets admitted to a hospital, so many things for him would change. At school, they'd surely move him to a partial, which would be awful for him. Part of me knows that this is what he needs, but the other part of me keeps hoping that we can fix this on our own.
We all can't go on like this, yet I can't cross the line to commit him to a hospital. I don't know what to do. I'm weak.

"Our house, was our castle and our keep"

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement in my last post.
I've given it all a great deal of consideration, and have sent Braden off to boarding school. A very strict one. Until he starts "behaving" he'll be fed nothing but bread and water. We're not allowed any contact with him for six months, so my life will be a breeze. Also, I made Keith beg for sex for about three hours last night, and just when he thought I was about to give in, I told him that I want a divorce. So, thanks to all the helpful advice I've received here, my life is looking on the sunny side for once. You people should get paid for this! Some of you in particular, and you know who you are - don't be modest, should start an advice column in a highly circulated newspaper. Who knows what it could lead to.

Seriously, though...

I've been doing a lot of online research about these rages. As I mentioned before, we've been experimenting with medicine...however, we just keep changing his bipolar medicine (and when I say we keep experimenting, it's not that he's changed pills fifty times, he's only had two changes...we just change doses...but, you have to wait weeks each time before you can really see if it's making a difference). We haven't tweaked his ADHD medicine because that's been working great for him. Very little fidgeting and off-task behavior at school. But, I read that sometimes the stimulant in these medicines can cause these rages in kids with a dual-diagnosis. So, I took it upon myself to stop giving Braden his afternoon Concerta, and other than the episode early Wednesday afternoon, he's been much improved. His whole general mood is better. He's bouncing around quite a bit, and much more talkative than usual, but his anger/frustration has been in check. And today, since it's the weekend, I only gave him half of his usual morning doseage. Last night, for exampple, he wanted to go to a friend's house, but it was snowing and I said I wasn't going to take him anywhere. He stormed out of the room saying, "you suck". But, five minutes later, he came back in and said he was sorry for getting so angry. So far, so good. I know it's only been two and a half days, but I have a good feeling about this. He's been saying please and thank you. He's been accepting no with just the slightest arguement (and show me a 13 year old that doesn't give that), and he just doesn't seem as "on edge" as he's been. My fingers are crossed that it keeps going that way. We'll have to see.
If this change continues to show promise, and he becomes more stabilized, we can start working on the small things that we've been letting slide. And, the way I feel right now, if his teachers start complaining that he has a hard time staying in his seat, or staying focused...tough shit. Deal with it.
Anyway, I'm feeling much better about things right now. My guard isn't down, but it's just on stand-by. I can feel my shoulders relaxing a bit.

Thanks again for listening, it means a lot.

"Love is a battlefield"

He comes charging in the door after school. "I'm starving!"
"What do you want?" I ask tentatively, testing his mood. "Something. I don't know. What do we have?" "Braden, you know what we have. You want an omelet or some chicken nuggets?" (his two usual after school favorites). "I don't know. I'm starving, but I don't know what I want. Tell me everything." Not this again, I think. A lot of times I have to list every possible thing he could eat that I have in the house. I hate this. I go to the pantry and call off some things. I do the same at the frig and freezer. I have to resay them several times while he's yelling that he's hungry. Starving to death even. He thinks he is. After about fifteen minutes, he decides on a ham and cheese omelet. I make it. He eats about four bites. Crisis #1 averted.
"How was your day? Do you have a lot of homework?" "It sucked. Yeah, I have tons. Will you help me with my Social Studies. We have to do an outline. I'll tell you what to put, if you'll type it for me." "I'll do that, but you have to do the rest on your own." "Yeah, right," he responds.
He plays on the computer for about a half an hour, then talks to some friends on the phone. A couple of times I interrupt to remind him of his homework. I'm constantly watching my tone of voice when I talk to him. I'm always trying to make things easier for him. Anything to avoid a meltdown. Then, while I'm practically kissing his ass, I get pissed off. Mad that I have to do this. Mad that I'm willing to do this. I'm like a battered wife, afraid of the drunk husband. But, it's just my 70 pound 13 year old.
After about an hour, I start making supper. He wants me to type his outline, NOW. I tell him to wait until after dinner. "Why don't you start your other stuff while I'm cooking?" I suggest. "No. I have to do my outline first, and you have to help me." I start to boil inside. But on the outside, I try to persuade him that my way makes the most sense. It infuriates him. He knows I'm right, and that kills him. I'm making supper while he starts swearing. At first, just swearing, then swearing at me. Calling me names. "Fucking retard. You probably don't even know how to do an outline. You're probably going to burn supper, anyway so just stop cooking and help me."
I can't be nice anymore. I have to keep being nice. He gets nastier and nastier. "I need help with my homework, you fucking whore."
I start to blow. "Braden. All day long, everyday, I do whatever I can for you. I wake you up in the morning, I bring you orange juice in bed, for christs sake. I drive you to the bus stop. I get you a snack after school. I help you with your homework. I let you have friends over. I take you to friends' houses. I give you money so you can go bowling with your friends. I don't tell you "no" as often as I should so you don't lose it. I kiss your ass day in and day out, to avoid your meltdowns, and you know what? You lose it anyway. So, I'm done."
"Oh yeah. We'll see who's done." He charges me. Shoving me. Not too hard at first. But, when I don't react, he pushes with more force. Sometimes, nearly knocking me off balance. "You think I like this? You're the one who's getting me going. You're egging me on."
"No Braden, I'm not. I'm just done working so hard to avoid it." But, even as I say it, I know I'm lying. I'm not done. I'm just done for right now. I'll do it again tomorrow. Hell, I'll probably even do it again tonight.
He starts throwing things at me. His soda bottle lid. A crumbled napkin. I try to ignore him. I start filling out an insurance form. He insists he needs the pen I'm using. I hand it to him, and get another one. Now he needs that pen. I tell him that if he gives me back my original pen, he can have this one. But, he's not having both. He tries to wrestle it out of my hands. I put the pen under my butt, and he can't figure out where it is. Already he's not thinking straight. "Where the hell is my fucking pen? What the fuck did you do with it, you bitch?" He tries to push me off the chair. He tries to tip it over. He goes to the pen jar and starts throwing pens at me. I get up and walk over to the stove where supper is cooking. While I'm standing there, doing something other than paying attention to him, he demands my attention. "Look at me while I talk to you. Stop ignoring me!" I continue at the stove, hoping that Keith stays in the living room. These episodes don't usually last as long when it's just me. But, once Keith gets involved, they get more fierce and drawn out. He starts shoving me again. Throwing things at the stove. "I need you to help me! I can't calm down! Do something!" I'm crying. He's crying. "I don't know what to do, Braden. I don't know how to help. Try to take deep breaths." "That doesn't fucking work, and you know it! Why are you trying to make this worse? You're supposed to be the mom. Make it stop!" "I don't know how," I repeat. "I don't know how."
He gets quiet for a minute. Maybe it's over. Maybe it's passed, I hope. I know it isn't, but I don't stop hoping. Suddenly, he's in the room, after Keith. Hitting him. Kicking him. Punching him. Keith, of course, can't be calm. He can't not react. They start arguing with eachother. Telling eachother who's boss, when they're both wrong. This goes on for a little while. "If you hit me one more time, I'll knock you through a wall." "C'mon, dad, you pussy. You won't touch me." Really, that's what Braden wants. He wants Keith's reaction. It's fuel to his fire. Keith tries to restrain Braden, but as soon as he does, Braden cries that he can't breathe, or that it makes it worse, so Keith lets go. As soon as he's free, Braden charges him again. This happens again and again. I try to bait him into coming back into the kitchen with me. "C'mon Braden. Let's get started on that homework." or "Supper's almost done. You want to get the dishes for me?" Neither one of them works.
Finally, after about fifteen minutes, or is it three hours, he comes back into the kitchen. I'm dishing out supper for him and Keith. I have no appetitie. "Aren't you eating? Why aren't you eating? Is it because of me?" he asks, crying. "I'm just not hungry. I'll eat later." "You have to come to the table though and sit with us while we eat. We have to be together." I agree. I sit there while he eats his supper, and Keith his. I'm simmering on the inside. Sick of me. As soon as he finishes, he demands that I help him with his homework. "Not until you ask me nicely, and apoligize to me," I require. "No," he says. "Then I'm not helping you," I answer. He starts all over again. "Please help me with my fucking homework. Now. There, I asked you nicely." I tell him that won't cut it. Try again. He does, and it's a little better. "Now you just have to apologize," I say. He refuses, and so do I.
I start cleaning up supper dishes. He goes after Keith again. Even though it's me he's mad at. Even though it's himself he's mad at. I sit at the island, smoking my sixth cigarette in the past half an hour. He comes back in, throwing his school books around, throwing his notebook at me. "I said help me." "I said no." I try to sound calm. Strong but calm. I probably don't. He doesn't say anything for about five minutes, then tries again. He's very sweet when he says, with tears in his eyes, "Please help me with my homework. I need your help." "Braden, I told you I want an apology. You have to say you're sorry." "I already did. You didn't answer me, but I said it." I know he didn't. There's a very slight possibility he did, but I'm almost certain he didn't. But, once again, for the sake of a little peace and quiet, I indulge his charade and agree to help him. While he's sitting by me, reading his Social Studies, he tries to make small talk. He tries to be extra nice. To make up for earlier. After about twenty minutes of outline making, we're almost done. He's playing with the phone in his lap, hitting some buttons over and over and over again. The noise is driving me crazy. I ask him to please stop. He doesn't. I tell him to stop. He doesn't. I tell him I won't help him anymore until he stops, but he does it more. Faster, and closer to me. My head is about to split open, and I'm about to explode out of my skin. Keith hears him not listening to me, and comes in the kitchen and grabs the phone out of his hands. He erupts.
The kicking, punching, hitting, throwing, slamming all start again. Keith's trying to restrain himself, but he can't. I barely can. I go in the room and sit on the sofa, watching this. A grown man sitting in a chair, getting hit repeatedly by a little, skinny kid. It's pathetic, and I feel sick. I'm willing Keith to ignore him. Please don't say anything. Please. I know it goes against everything you believe in, but please don't give him what he wants. I just want it to be over. Whatever it takes.
Keith agrees to give him back the phone, if he finishes his homework. Braden agrees too. Keith hands him the phone, and immediately, Braden starts pushing the damn buttons again. I look at Keith, please ignore him. He does, and soon Braden stops and we're back to homework. He's miserable, but mostly in check. I'm wishing I shot heroin or something, and Lord only knows what Keith is thinking.
Our family show comes on, Prison Break, and we all go into the living room to watch it. Braden goes out of his way during the whole show to be extra nice. Small talk. Little jokes he thinks we'll like. Trying to ask questions about the show, just so we'll talk to him, which we do. We hate ourselves for it, but we do.
We go to bed at 10:00. At 10:45, I realize that even though I feel like I could sleep for a week straight, I can't fall asleep. I come downstairs and make a cup of tea. I light a cigarette. I hear footsteps on the stairs. It's Braden. He comes in the kitchen, "Mom?" "Yeah, Braden." "You okay? Why aren't you in bed?" "I just couldn't sleep," I reassure him, "I thought I'd have a cup of tea, then try again." "It's because of me, isn't it?" He's crying again. "Because of me, you can't even sleep. I'm horrible. You hate me."
I assure him that I don't hate him. I tell him I love him.

"How do you like it, how do you like it....more more more"

You want the nitty-gritty, the way things are really going?

or

Do you want me to pretend everything is fine, like I do all day long?

"Sweet dreams are made of these..."

I've been so tired lately, as I've said before. All I wanted to do yesterday after work was come home and take a little nap.
So, I got home, made Braden a snack, had a cup of tea and went to assume my position on the sofa. Keith came home from work and roused me to sign my paycheck so he could go to the bank. Braden and JJ asked if they could go ride the four-wheeler. At last, peace and quiet.
I just started to doze off, and I heard Keith come in from the bank. A short time later, I heard the door open as Braden walked out, and I heard JJ yell something. Then I heard Braden yell something. Then JJ again, only this time I was able to make out what he said, "THE CAR'S IN THE WOODS!" Thinking I'm dreaming or something I just laid there, until I heard Keith yell, "HOLY CROW!" as he ran out the door.
Apparently, when he came home from the bank, he didn't put the car in park. He got out and it drifted down the driveway, through the yard until it crashed into some small trees at the edge of the woods.
My beautiful car. Less than a year old. All broken in the front. Pieces of the grill are missing, one of the lights is pointing straight up in the air, and the side is all scraped up from being wedged between some trees.
What a mess! Needless to say, I never got my nap.

I'M MARRIED TO AN IDIOT!

If I explained what prompted me to post this, you wouldn't believe it. And, it would make me look bad for having married someone so incredibly inept when it comes to any kind of arguing/discussing/talking skills.

"Whoop, there it is"

We got about a 1/2" of snow during the night, but it froze so we had a two hour delay this morning...sadly, I was already up and showered, so I couldn't go back to bed. At least I got an extra hour without the kids up. Mainly without Braden up.

His meltdowns have gone done to once a week, but they're horrible. He cries the whole time that he's out of control and can't stop, but it's hard to feel sorry for someone who's throwing things at you and pushing and shoving you. Last night, it happened while I was making dinner, and as awful as it sounds, I had visions of hitting him with a frying pan. I wouldn't ever do it, but I can't say I don't think about it. I'm calling his doctor again today.

We refinanced our mortgage, and are going to finish the basement, and add on to the kitchen. Yesterday, we picked out flooring. I'm going with a slate look for the kitchen floor - with oranges and greys and greens in it. We're going to do the basement first though, so it will be closer to spring when we have to knock the wall out in the kitchen. I'm going to try really hard to let Keith make most of the decisions about the decor of the basement...as long as he doesn't turn it into a Nascar shrine or dead-hunted-animal city down there. He and the kids will probably be down there most anyway.

I'd like to go with Spidey for a sleeping vacation. Nothing but lounging around, napping and sleeping. And, I've been having a twingey-pain in my left hip area. Not enough to prevent me from doing anything, but enough to make me uncomfortable. If it doesn't go away in a month or six, I'll go to the doctor and get it checked out.

"cause it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass"

As I may have mentioned, Braden failed his eye exam at school, and needed glasses. We took him for his appointment, picked out the frames, and they came in on Friday. We picked them up yesterday, around 1:00.
Last night he went to the movies, and came out upset. He took his glasses off during the movie (the frame was bothering him). They wound up on the floor, and got stepped on. They're now in three pieces. He didn't even have them for 12 hours.
This has to be some sort of world's record.

I am so tired. All I want to do is sleep for about a week straight. I'm just tired.

The holidays came and went, and I'm no more rested than I was before. We're back to work, since Tuesday. I like going back. I really like my job. I just hate getting up in the morning. It was good to see the kids again, and they all said I was a dork because I said I missed them during the break.

Braden went the entire holiday break without one of his episodes. It was kind of nice. I'm not trying to imply that he was a joy to be around, but there were no major conflicts. He went back to school on Tuesday, and Wednesday night we had a knock-down-drag-out evening. Things were flying, phones had to be hidden. Just when I thought it was safe to bring the knives back out of hiding. Do you think there's a correlation between school and these meltdowns? I do.

I felt so sorry for him last night. He's been growing his hair long for the last year and a half. Keith pesters him constantly to get it cut. I let him alone. I don't really care what he does with his hair-there are more important things to argue over. Anyway, he came home from school on Tuesday and announced that he wanted it cut. We searched online and found a picture of a cut he liked. I wanted to make him an appointment, but he doesn't like going to a salon because they "pull his hair". So, he wanted the neighbor lady to cut it. She used to have her own shop, but now just cuts the hair of friends and family. So, we went over there last night and Braden got a cut. He looks great, but it doesn't look anything like the picture. He hates it and says it looks like a mullet (which it doesn't). I hope school went okay for him today, and that he only got compliments, or he's going to be loaded for bear when he gets home. It's a terrible feeling dreading your own child coming home from school.

JJ's doing very well in school, and is on the basketball team. He doesn't get much playing time, but is sticking the season out. He's made a lot of new friends and is looking forward to going to the regular high school in a couple of weeks.

We're going to add on to our house, and make the kitchen bigger. It's still in the planning stages, but I want it done yesterday.

Oh, and I'm really tired.

"Should old aquaintance be forgot...."

Well, the rush of Christmas is over. Thank God.
As the kids get older, it's just not the same. There are few surprises. The items get big-ticketier, so there are less of them. Keith and I didn't exchange gifts this year, because of the "lost money" fiasco. We did, however, pull off a big surprise. We got Braden and JJ a four-wheeler. Keith had it hidden at the neighbors, and Christmas morning, after the gifts were opened and the kids settled in to play their new video games, he ran over and drove it over. Braden was screaming like that kid on the commercial, and JJ was breathless. That was the highlight of my Christmas.
Braden hasn't had a meltdown in nearly a week, and things have sort of relaxed a bit here. Just a bit, though. He's still extremely miserable, and very easily frustrated, but no yelling, screaming, hitting or kicking. Part of me is thrilled, and the other part is just waiting for it to happen. I hope the second part of me is the one that's disappointed.
For New Year's, we're going to a small party with some friends. It's the people we vacation with every year. The kids all get along, and the adults will sit around and shoot the shit and have a couple of drinks. It should be a good time, and I'm really looking forward to it.
I hope you all had a great Christmas, and wish you a Fabulous New Year's.

I received a Christmas gift today. It's a cute chest filled with treats and snacks. The problem is, I have no idea who it's from. It came UPS, from Overstock.com, but there's no name on it anywhere except mine.

I saw mommy taking valium.....

I can't believe that a week from today is Christmas. Where did the time go? Where did my holiday spirit go?
I still didn't find that $400. So, we had to take money out of the credit union to cover Christmas, and we really had to cut back. I'm not getting Keith anything (except a couple of small things from the kids) and he's not getting me anything. I'm mostly done with shopping. I have to pick up a couple of gift cards for my dad, and something for JJ's brother, Andrew, who will probably be spending Christmas day with us. Nothing is wrapped, though most of the clothes are now in gift boxes. I made my cutout cookies last night and tonight I'm doing chocolate chip. I have to do my cream cheese cookies, oatmeal cookies and those peanut butter ones with the chocolate in the center. I have a stupid paper I have to write by Wednesday for that training I went to a month ago. What else? Oh, my house looks like a train ran through it.
Braden's been having those meltdowns at least once a week. I took him to the doctor, who's experimenting with different doses of his medicine. If that doesn't work, after the first of the year, we are going to try something new. It's such a horrible feeling to feel like you can't be away from home because you're the one who handles these things the best, yet you want nothing more than to be away from him. Then, you feel guilty for wanting to be away from him. I walk around trying to figuratively clear the path for him, so nothing frustrates him too much. Then, I resent having to treat him with kid gloves. Some days I feel like I'm the best mother in the world for dealing with all this, then an hour later I feel like certainly there's something I could have done different so he wouldn't be like this, and surely I'm the worst mother in the world for wanting to get in my car and drive far, far away. If he had leukemia, epilepsy, or some other more physical malady, I wouldn't have to feel like I have to hide this from people. But, could you imagine if word of this got out? He'd probably wind up with no friends, and be the talk of the town. If stress where worth money, I'd be rich. Rich I tell ya, rich!

"Mr. Bigstuff, who do you think you are?"

I don't know who I think I am, but some people's Christmas lights/displays really piss me off. I would like to have a little tablet of tickets made up and go around and put them on people's doors. They would say, "I've seen your Holiday display and:" then one of the following would be checked off:
1. They're absolutely beautiful
2. Nice job
3. You're almost there, keep trying
4. What in the hell are you thinking? You should have your power cut off so no one has to look at this hideous creation

I know it's petty and anal of me, but it really gets on my nerves when people have horrible looking decorations out. Who DO I think I am?

On another note, I've lost a big chunk of my Christmas money. It was sitting on the island in the kitchen, and Keith said, "you better put that somewhere." and I did. I thought I put it in the envelope where I had the rest of the money, but it's not there. I've checked every drawer, cuppyhole, basket and cabinet. I can't find it anywhere. $400. Down the drain. I don't even know how long it's been missing. Could have been for weeks, since I hardly did any shopping yet, I don't really go in that envelope. It could have been stolen, I guess, or I could have misplaced it. Maybe I even threw it away by mistake. There are going to be some sad faces, mainly mine, come Christmas morning.

Here we go

Okay, I'm using Picasa, since I couldn't get them to post the traditional way.

 
  

Here are a couple of pictures....The first one is the new cat, Baxter. It's hard to get a good picture of her, because she's all black and doesn't show up very well. The other picture is Ed, the cat in the Christmas tree. This is the cat that looks like Emma's Nesta, although Ed is obviously much cuter.
Not much else to post right now, I'll update sometime over the weekend. On Saturday we're going to NYC for the day...shopping, eating, sightseeing, etc. I'm sure I'll have something to say after that.

Hmmm, it wouldn't let me download the pictures....I'll have to try again later.